The Good Wife’s Guide Or…

We’ve come a long way, baby!

Melissa, Mill Street Salon’s owner, handed me a photocopied sheet of paper. “Here,” she said with an impish grin, “You can make a funny story out of this.”

I took a look. On it was a sophisticated drawing of a 1950’s housewife in heels, no less, and an apron, cooking over the stove, smiling with pleasure. Two kids, about 8 and 5 years old, have mom’s purse on one shoulder and a bag of some sort that they’re digging through.

Dad has just walked in, suave, handsome, a stray curl from his thick head of hair, falling down onto his forehead. He’s smiling, hat in hand, paper under his arm, oblivious to the kids. Aaah, the good life!

Let’s check in on Beaver, Mr. & Mrs. Cleaver, and find out how life’s supposed to be according to Housekeeping Monthly, May 13, 1955:

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. {Uumm…excuse me, please, but does my husband know this? He’s the one that makes din-din for me. I can barely boil water without a mess.)
  
  
• Take 15 minutes to rest before his arrival so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (This is how “Dairy Of A Mad Housewife” was born.)
  
  
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (Now I get it! That’s why Robert is always saying, “Can I grab a beer first!”)
  
  
• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. (Is this why Elizabeth Taylor was married so many times? “Yes Richard. Of course, Richard. I’ll have another vodka martini, Richard.”)
  
  
• And my favorite, A good wife always knows her place. Yes, we do! And it’s on top. (You can take that however you like. I like mine straight up!)

No wonder both sexes are such a mess. Some virgin writer with a wanna-have husband attitude wrote this crap, and we believed it. So as this article tells us, clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

I’ll fluff his pillow, take off his shoes, and speak in a low, soothing voice. Maybe I’ll even get to throw the first punch, too.

“Paging Dr. Kildare, there’s a psycho in room 324, and she’s screaming something about equal rights?”

Comments? Let me hear from you: paintedcopy@verizon.net

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